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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25080592">Burning Light</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Star4311/pseuds/Star4311'>Star4311</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Star Wars Sequel Trilogy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Banter, Bickering, Childhood Friends, Eventual Fluff, Eventual Smut, F/M, First Order is like a Mafia or some shit, Fluff, Ice Queen Reader, Kylo Ren is a nerd, Modern Era, Murder Mystery, Mystery, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Past Relationship(s), Protective Kylo Ren, Soft Kylo Ren, firefighter Kylo, lawyer reader, more or less, reader is a nerd, sorrttaa? technically?</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 03:48:41</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>14,989</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25080592</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Star4311/pseuds/Star4311</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>“He said the two of you would keep in touch. In a world with growing connectivity, why didn’t it happen? Why did it leave such an impact on you? You’ve tried to shake yourself of it. A friend, eventually more, for over half your lifetime disappearing with an empty promise. Whatever-- a promise means nothing. Your heart hardened to ice and he thinks he can stumble back into it as if there were never an issue. He is surely mad.”</p><p>Modern!AU with Kylo as a firefighter (his cover but more on that later). Normally it’s the reader weaseling into his heart. This time he’s gotta work for it. Featuring a much softer Kylo, still grumpy in general with some rage issues sprinkled in but more squishy overall with an “Ice Queen” reader~</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Ben Solo | Kylo Ren/Reader, Kylo Ren &amp; Reader, Kylo Ren &amp; You, Kylo Ren/Reader, Kylo Ren/You</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>32</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>You walked down the street sidewalk, your heels tapping against the pavement with a rhythmic sound. Today you had a court hearing to attend, not letting a few body aches stop you. The life of a lawyer bland and uninteresting to you but it seemed the most logical. Your fingers dashed across the screen of your smartphone, delicate nails rapping every so often as you scan through files, respond to emails, and schedule new appointments. Your outfit of choice was modest yet form-fitting, a dark grey pencil skirt and white blouse with a jacket to match the skirt. It felt a bit warmer today than most, but you shrugged it off as a warm day. Glancing up you see yourself near the fire station.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You scowl, having to pass it many times on your way from the office to the courthouse. Usually, those soot-covered pricks catcall you or try to stop you to ask you questions. You just ignore them, brushing past them. Any businesswoman will tell you, time is money. And you’re not wasting shit. You walk past receiving a few whistles from the open garage door as some of the men walked around cleaning up or working on equipment. You heard a few scoffs followed by some smacks, peeking over to see a few women fighters glaring at the men.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Regardless, no one stops to </span>
  <em>
    <span>chit chat</span>
  </em>
  <span> as you round the steps up to your destination. You fell into being a lawyer. Your late father once was and while you weren’t planning on following in his footsteps, it seemed like the best option. From his training early in your life, it came rather naturally. Only solidified into stone a few years into college. It took a while, you did your basics flitting between art, acting, directing, and hell you even tried archaeology. You just had so many things you wanted to try, wanted to experience that you didn’t know what to choose. Something you loved? Or something that would support you?... It’s a hard choice that became quite easy after </span>
  <em>
    <span>his</span>
  </em>
  <span> disappearance. He left, inexplicably, saying he would keep in touch.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It’s hard for anyone to lose a friend. Something more than a friend. Someone you’ve basically grown up with and has been with you through so many life changes including the passing of your father. But with 10 years of friendship tossed away to feel like you’ve been forgotten. Like you didn’t even matter. It sucked a lot of the joy from you. The colors of your paints never felt as vibrant, the joy of acting didn’t come as fluidly, and you slowly lost interest in all the things you once craved. The worst part? You </span>
  <em>
    <span>fucking hate</span>
  </em>
  <span> how much it affects you. You loathe feeling hollow, how </span>
  <em>
    <span>one human being</span>
  </em>
  <span> could affect you this way, that you </span>
  <em>
    <span>know</span>
  </em>
  <span> it’s affecting you but can’t alter your mind to work against it. So you did the next best thing, pouring yourself into something you knew you could do. Something that could allow you to “fight” others and get paid for it.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>In your legal division, you were known as the “Ice Queen.” Cliche in its entirety, but not untrue. You closed yourself off from everyone. They’re either a distraction or a pain. You take your anger into the courtroom, exposing every little detail and leaving every individual who’s sat in front of you on the witness stand frozen. You fight with logic and facts, pressing into anyone who gets in your way. And you’ve won almost every case within your career. Some have tried to invalidate your high standing position because of your losses. You’d scoff in their face replying smugly, “If you think any lawyer will never be beaten within their career, you’re surely a fool.” You’d rather deal with averages, percentages. If you win 99% of the time, then you are content. It’s when the number drops below 80 that you’d be concerned.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Because of this, your reputation precedes you. Living in one of the largest cities in the country at one of the largest firms, you’ve had a hand in many high profile cases. Many of which you’ve turned away. Just because you’re a lawyer and cold, doesn’t make you a bitch. You refuse to represent clients who are thugs and criminals looking for a good lawyer to bail them out. In fact, you’d volunteer for the other team, just to spite.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>After completing your business within the courtroom, you exit heading back to the office. Once again you type away on your phone and make a few calls. You declined to have an assistant. Your firm graciously offers all their top-tiers one but you feel more comfortable handling everything by yourself. You don’t need someone to get chummy with.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A large shape of red passes your vision and you look up from your phone to see a firetruck on the road, slowing down to turn into the station. You had to slow down to a stop to let it enter and you stare absentmindedly at the truck with all its gizmos on the side. After the truck passes, you continue ignoring the sounds of the men jumping out of the truck. There’s running footsteps behind you but you ignore them.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Y/N!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You freeze, partially turning to gaze at one of the firemen panting on the sidewalk looking at you. He had his fire jacket off, with only a black t-shirt underneath. His pale skin was a deep contrast but his arms showed the clear musculature and strength he possessed. He still has his helmet on, black hair poking out above his brown eyes. But his face was covered in soot you could barely see a damn thing. Your eyes narrow, what could he possibly want.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Y/N, Y/N L/N, right?” He asked, deep voice almost relieved.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You could almost feel a growl in your throat and your brows furrowed, looking him up and down once again. He seemed familiar but you can’t exactly place it. “Do I know you?” you asked bluntly. Your eyes flicked behind him, where a few of his buddies stood watching things unfold. You sent them a nasty glare and they ran off, hiding behind the truck or wall from which they spied.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The firefighter chuckled, removing his helmet for thick wavy hair to fall, tied up in a small pony to keep most of it out of his face. He grabbed the bottom of his shirt, pulling it up to wipe the soot off his face. You didn’t miss the toned abs or scars that marred his skin. As he wiped his face, your eyes widened. “Hey, I missed you,” Kylo rumbled with a small smile. He still had a few dirt spots on his face, but there was no doubt it was him. Though just like his chest, his face now bore a scar across it too.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You frowned, face angering. He wilted, “H-Hey, c’mon, I’m sorry I didn’t get in touch with you.” You exhaled, closing your eyes for a moment to recenter yourself. You stand straight again, glancing at your watch. “It’s been four years, Ren, it doesn’t matter,” you reply coldly. He flinches at the use of his last name and harsh rebuttal but he gives you a withered smile. “I guess it has been... How about we catch up over a cup of coffee, er- tea, you still like tea right?” he pleads a little. You glance at your watch again. “No, I have to get back to the office. Bye,” you answer, turning to walk away.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kylo jogs to catch back up to you, his hand going to gently touch your forearm. You bristle from the action, stepping away from him and almost onto the street. You can see sorrow etched across his features and your eye twitches slightly. “</span>
  <em>
    <span>What</span>
  </em>
  <span>?” you hiss.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m really, truly sorry Y/N, you have every right to be mad. We can talk, catch up, and let everything go back to normal,” he murmured, thick eyebrows scrunched up.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>Normal</span>
  </em>
  <span>? Normal for me now doesn’t involve you, hasn’t for some time,” you hissed, eyes narrowing. You roughly turned from him, heading back down the sidewalk. “How’s your mom been?” He asked, keeping pace with you. He’s fishing for anything to continue talking to you.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“She died three years ago,” you growled, watching him freeze in his tracks as you kept walking back to the office. You only glared for a moment, his face twisted in regret before you looked away, not sparing him another second. You felt disgusted at yourself. You could feel the sorrow slowly wrap itself around your heart, eyes watering slightly. Growling, you fought to twist it into anger, balling your fists at your side. You, having worked so hard to forget him, will not easily crumble. The walls you built are sturdy and strong.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>——</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Back in your office, you slam the door, taking your coat off and throwing it and your thin case for files into one of your plush chairs in front of your desk. You sigh heavily, plopping into your desk chair before leaning on your desk, head in your hands. Your head started to pulsate and the aching in your muscles. Groaning, you think for a second you might be getting sick, maybe you have for a day or two, you can’t exactly recall.  You’re still coming to grips with your emotions and potential sickness when there’s a small tone on your office phone. You press the speaker button hissing, “What?” The receptionist makes a small squeak at your tone but tries to compose herself, “M-Ma’am, there’s a man here who would like to see you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You gripped the arms of your chair, you swear to god if he </span>
  <em>
    <span>followed</span>
  </em>
  <span> you. “Does he have an appointment?” You ask, knowing full well you don’t have anyone scheduled. “No ma’am, his name is Armitage Hux and he was hoping for a consultation if you’re available,” she replies, voice wavering. You sigh loudly again out of aggravation as you try to decide. It could take your mind off </span>
  <em>
    <span>other</span>
  </em>
  <span> things. “I have some time at the moment, show him up,” you say before hanging up. You take a deep breath before pulling out a notepad and a couple of other things you might need.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Before long there’s a knock at the door. “Yes?” you respond, standing up as the door opens. The receptionist is there, letting the man enter the room. A good looking man, red hair brushed back and wearing a designer-brand light grey suit. He smiles broadly, walking over to shake hands, “Armitage Hux, pleased to make your acquaintance.” You shake his hand with a small nod, “Y/N L/N. How can I help you today, Mr. Hux?” The receptionist excused herself, softly shutting the door as Hux sat in your empty chair. You followed suit before delicately folding your hands in front of you on your desk.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Please, call me Armitage,” he said cooly with a smile. You gave a small nod.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course, what can I do for you?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I run a business here in town, of sorts, and one of my employees has run into a bit of an issue. I want to ensure that the legal team behind them is of the highest caliber and I heard of your reputation, wondering if you’d be inclined to represent us,” he said simply. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>You leaned back in your chair picking up your pen, “What are the operations of your business?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Inbound and outbound shipments of an assortment of goods from cleaning products to cars and everything in between,” Hux replies.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What are the charges against your employee?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“First-degree murder.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>You raised an eyebrow, “That’s a lofty charge. Why protect this one employee if it doesn’t affect your company as a whole?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hux shakes his head sadly, “I know him personally, he is not the type to do such a thing. It happened on the docks of one of our shipyards. In my opinion, the man died committing suicide, extremely tragic, but that’s for the court to decide not me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You jotted down a few notes, before tapping your pen as you stared down at your paper. Glancing back up to Hux you reply, “If you’d be kind enough to present me the names of those involved including any officers on the case and I will look into it.” He grins widely and you continue, “This is not a confirmation I am taking the case but that I will gather what I can. With what I find I will take the case or I will point you towards another associate.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hux nods, “Of course, that’s perfectly reasonable.” He gives you all the information as well as how to contact him before leaving. Once he departs, you work a bit longer but honestly seeing Kylo earlier drained you entirely. You call it an early day and pack up your things to leave.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Across the street from the entrance of your office building is a small park with a few benches close to the road. You freeze, seeing Kylo’s profile as he sits on the bench. This time, instead of being covered in ash and wearing his fire gear he’s wearing an almost entirely black ensemble. Black jeans, a grey t-shirt, and a black leather jacket. He’s staring at nothing, up into the sky with such a forlorn gaze. You feel a few tugs at your heart. You grip the straps of your case harder, twisting your heel to walk off when you pause once again. He looks down, black hair falling in front of his eyes as he pulls a necklace from under his shirt to gaze at the small pendant hanging from it. Your breath hitches and you feel a bit of heat race up your cheeks. He </span>
  <em>
    <span>kept</span>
  </em>
  <span> that stupid thing? Shaking your head, you stomp off without saying anything to him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It’s a relatively short walk to your condominium complex. Once you got your job here, you ensured your commute was as simple as possible. You have a car in the parking garage if you decide to go somewhere far but in your day-to-day life, you don’t need it. You unlock your door before heading in and locking it behind you. Your home, by lawyer standards, would probably be considered modest or simple. You didn’t spend your wealth on extravagant things. Yea you liked to have the top of the line tech when it comes to your phone, gaming, and all that. But your living situation? You didn’t need the highest model of every kitchen appliance or the biggest, baddest TV’s, you just needed things that were dependable and worked.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It’s a pretty big space, mostly because it’s rather plain and empty. It’s 2 beds, 2 baths with a full kitchen, a small dining room and a living room area. Plus it has a wrap-around balcony with a storage area on one side. You never saw yourself having company so instead of a guest room you opted for an office space. It held a desk with a very expensive gaming computer. That was one thing you still held on to over the years. You might have lost art but playing games felt like the few moments you got to finally relax and unwind. Your living room had a decent sized flat screen atop a cabinet holding an assortment of console games as well.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You head into your room, having a walk-in closet where you shuck your heels off before tearing out of your stuffy office attire. Wiggling into some jeans and a shirt, you head back into the living room. Annoyed, you decide to play some first-person shooters to take your mind off of Kylo. You played for a few hours until your stomach growled from neglect. You laugh with a small smile, “Oh yea, I guess I need to eat.” You give yourself a pitiful smile. You completely missed lunch. Rubbing your eyes, you groan. No wonder you're slowly feeling more and more like shit and your headache is starting to hurt even more.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Finishing your round on the game you were playing, you turn off the tv before tossing on a coat and some flats. You might have enough stuff in your kitchen to make food but honestly, you just wanted to go out, get some food and get a drink. And you know the perfect place.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Kylo was coerced into visiting a pub near the station. After his embarrassing and honestly depressing run-in with Y/N, his compatriots decided he needed to be “cheered up.” He never realized he’d hurt her so much. He </span>
  <em>
    <span>had</span>
  </em>
  <span> meant to keep in contact with her, but due to his… delicate situation at the time Kylo was unable to have contact with anyone for a long time. When he was finally able, he was so busy all the time he never had a moment to stop and think. He frowns, knowing that’s a relatively piss-poor excuse. If she meant that much to him, and she did, then he </span>
  <em>
    <span>should</span>
  </em>
  <span> have contacted her as soon as he could. But he didn’t, like a moron.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He saw her from the window of the truck as it pulled into the station, for a moment not believing it was her. After getting confirmation, she seemed so distant and alien. Not like she once was. She used to be so bubbly and happy. He’d often miss her warmth. But now she was cold and ruthless. What had she been through to change her so? Kylo severely hoped it wasn’t solely his disappearance. He was hoping to reconnect with her, but she declined. He had been there with her when her father passed. Kylo wasn’t connected very well with his own parents, preferring to be on his own, but Y/N’s parents never seemed to mind his gloomy or angry exterior. They treated him just like they did Y/N, though he didn’t get scolded nearly as much as she did.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>While he was sad to hear of her mother’s passing, he was most concerned for Y/N. She took her father’s death… not super well, he recalls. She bawled for what seemed like an eternity and when she wasn’t crying she was either lifeless or angry at the world and there seemed to be no in-between. Not that he could blame her, illnesses like cancer seem so far until it grips onto a loved one. She hated watching her father wither away like that. Kylo had no idea what to do to make her feel better, or if there was anything he </span>
  <em>
    <span>could</span>
  </em>
  <span> do. So he did the only thing he could think of. He remained at her side no matter what.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When she got angry at his constant presence, seemingly annoyed, she pounded her fists into his chest. She roared out of anger and grief and all he could do was allow her this. As she lost steam, he had just pulled her into him. She cried for a while longer before apologizing to him. Kylo </span>
  <em>
    <span>hated</span>
  </em>
  <span> going through that. It felt like his chest would be torn asunder, though not physically. He wished she would never feel that again. But then her having to go through a similar experience with her mother </span>
  <em>
    <span>alone</span>
  </em>
  <span>… He grimaced, unable, or more accurately afraid to imagine her sobbing alone.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dejected, Kylo had changed and headed to the nearby park to sit and take a breather. He was concerned he’d never get the chance to reconcile with her. A couple of his coworkers found him, one of whom had been working at that particular station for a while. Kylo had been recently transferred there, but Mack said Y/N is known around the station as simply “Frost” due to her icy demeanor. And apparently she passes by the station often, heading into the nearby courthouse. No one at the station was sure about her profession or much else but it made Kylo a little more at ease that he would get another chance. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Apparently this pub called “Starline” was a bit of a hole in the wall, but a local hotspot for good food and good drinks. Something Kylo was definitely interested in getting tonight. He grimaced at the exterior, looking like a rather unkempt place. It stuck out like a sore thumb, a small wooden building surrounded by multi-level glass and steel structures. Neon signs for a bar, pool tables, and liquor hang in the dark windows. It's not something he wasn't used to, he didn't see the big hype for it.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Stepping inside, he glanced around. It was dim, laughter breaking the sounds echoed from the several flat screens around the room showing everything from news to sports to even one surprisingly showing video game news? That seemed weirdly out of place. Kylo could see an adjacent room had a couple of pool tables, dartboards, and a few other bar games. It wasn't overly packed but was busy enough for the sized place.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kylo's eyes widened as he saw a figure sitting at the bar. He couldn't miss that shape, the curves of her waist or her beautiful hair tied back to keep it out of her face. Y/N sat, slumped against the bar with her phone out in front of her. Kylo sat at the booth with Mack and Emmie, craning his neck to see what Y/N was up to. His eyes narrowed, it seemed awfully familiar.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He almost laughed, a smirk winding its way up his face. Kylo watched as she spun her thumb in circular motions before pushing upwards. With a swift motion, he pulled out his own phone and opened the PokemonGo app. He hid his grin with his hand, there was both a pokestop and a gym within range of the bar. The gym was currently Mystic-owned with a few pokemon on it and the pokestop had a lure on it. The screen name was “Reckless.” No guarantee it was her but considering how many people were on their phones, he’d place his money on it.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Mack and Emmie seemed perfectly content to chatter while he messed around on the app. He clicked on the gym and immediately started attacking it. It didn’t take him long to dismantle it and place his strongest there. His eyes glittered, looking over at Y/N. He couldn’t exactly see what she was doing but he could see the green screen pop up of her reopening the app. He almost barked out a loud laugh when she shot up rigid, surely glaring at her phone. Kylo’s eyes slid to the bartender, who’d also noticed her abrupt action as well. The bartender was a little older, but he grinned and joked around with Y/N easily. She showed him her phone and he roared laughter at her antics.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kylo’s grin faded, replaced by his usual scowl, fingers curling into a fist. Of course, he’d be jealous. She’s more friendly with that man than one she’s known for so long. He sighs, he supposed he only had himself to blame. Mack wraps an arm around Kylo’s neck pulling him towards him in the booth. “Ack-- what?...” Kylo asks sourly, trying to restrain his temper.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Whatcha sighin’ for? Wait, hold up, are you playing--”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Shh!” Kylo hisses, trying to keep his friend’s voice down. Out of instinct, he looks over to Y/N to see if she heard, sighing in relief that she hadn’t.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh my gosh, isn’t that her?” Emmie whispered, astonished.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dang, I didn’t know she’d dignify a place like this with her presence,” Mack snickered.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Mack looked between the phone in Kylo’s hand to Y/N, furiously tapping away. The huge grin splitting across his face was a stark contrast to Kylo’s as Mack made the connection. “You two are both </span>
  <em>
    <span>nerds</span>
  </em>
  <span>,” He snickered. Kylo finally shoved Mack’s arm off of him with a huff, “Yes a corporation who made a shitton of money off of all their merchandise and video games is </span>
  <em>
    <span>very</span>
  </em>
  <span> nerdy.” Mack raised an eyebrow, “But dude… it’s for kids…” Kylo rolled his eyes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Who do you think comes up with all this and makes it?” Kylo asked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Emmie snickered, “Mack just cause you’re a jock and you don’t have an interest in it doesn’t mean it’s stupid. Kylo, what team are you on?” Kylo smirked at Mack’s mood dampened at the light scolding.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span class="">“Valor,” Kylo mused, watching as Y/N continued to attack the gym. Emmie pulls out her phone, “Of course you are. I’m Instinct.” Kylo laughs, “That sounds about right.” Mack cocked his head in confusion but kept quiet. After Y/N turned the gym Mystic again, Kylo and Emmie continuously beat it. Kylo snickers as Y/N roars loud enough in frustration he can hear it from this distance. The night continues, the food comes and goes, with this war over a silly little app.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sipping on his whiskey, Kylo’s eyes were trained on her every move. He frowned when her shoulders sagged before she shook her head, pushing her phone into her pocket. She hopped down from the barstool, landing a little unsteadily. Kylo gripped the table to keep from leaping up to help her. He could remember back in school, she partied pretty hardcore. He </span>
  <em>
    <span>constantly</span>
  </em>
  <span> had to take care of her. The bartender noticed as well, looking a bit concerned. She waved a hand and he skeptically allowed it. She started to pay her tab.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“WOAH! She’s leaving?!” Mack practically shouted. Kylo growled, swiveling to the man, “Think you said it </span>
  <em>
    <span>loud enough</span>
  </em>
  <span>?!” Kylo turned back and gulped. ‘</span>
  <em>
    <span>Ah fuck</span>
  </em>
  <span>.’ Y/N stared at him, anger clearly spilling out of her. “I think you’ve been caught…” Mack whispers in his drunken stupor. Kylo hisses to him, “No shit, thanks for that.” Y/N goes to ignore him, paying her tab, and exiting the bar. Mack shoves Kylo’s shoulder, “You better go.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kylo’s brows furrow, “I don’t want her to hate me even more.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Have you fully explained yourself?” Emmie asks. Kylo shakes his head, black hair shifting around his face. “Then just tell her the truth, if she still says no after then you need to let it go.” He didn’t need to be told twice.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>——</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>What the </span>
  <em>
    <span>fuck</span>
  </em>
  <span>? Is he following you now? How long had he been in there? You groaned, holding a hand to your head where a deep ache was already growing. You don’t fucking care, you’re calling in sick tomorrow to eat ice cream and play video games because fuck the world at the moment. “Wait, Y/N! Please!” You hear Kylo’s voice behind you. It sickens you how much your heart thumps at his voice. “What? Want to follow me all the way back to my place?” You hiss.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You turn to him on the empty sidewalk and he shakes his head, brows furrowed. “N-No! I want to explain myself to you. Please hear me out, that’s all I ask,” he pleads, looking so downtrodden. Your eye twitches and instead of answering you ask, “Did you follow me to the bar?” Kylo shakes his head, “Absolutely not! My coworkers like that place and since I’m new to the area they wanted to take me. It was pure luck you were there.” Your eyes narrowed as you murmured, “I wouldn’t use the word </span>
  <em>
    <span>luck</span>
  </em>
  <span>… Why should I hear what you have to say? It won’t change anything.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re right, I can’t change what’s happened but I can at least tell you </span>
  <em>
    <span>why</span>
  </em>
  <span> it happened. Don’t you at least want to know that?” Kylo asked. You look away for a moment. He’s not wrong… you have always wondered what was more important than you. There had been several times you thought he had died but deep down you knew there’s no way Kylo Ren would be so easily offed. You </span>
  <em>
    <span>have</span>
  </em>
  <span> seen his workout routine. You rub your temples, grumbling to yourself as the man quietly awaits your verdict.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The headache is beginning to hurt so much you feel dizzy and sick. Knowing you need to get home soon you hiss, “</span>
  <em>
    <span>Fine</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Meet at Starline, tomorrow at 10 AM so we can get this done and over with.” Kylo nods, “Yea, that sounds great.” You turn to leave, the action so abrupt it leaves your head spinning and you have to stop for a moment to not fall or throw up. ‘</span>
  <em>
    <span>Fuck this sucks</span>
  </em>
  <span>…’ you whine to yourself.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Are you ok?” Kylo rumbles gently, walking up to inspect your face. He doesn’t touch you, assuming there would be a repeat of your reaction from the station. “I’m fine,” you say through gritted teeth. You can’t stand him being this close, being this chummy. His face becomes a bit hardened, like a scowl. It’s annoying you can still tell exactly what he’s thinking. “I will be </span>
  <em>
    <span>fine</span>
  </em>
  <span>,” you repeat again, glaring at him. “You won’t,” he easily replies before adding, “At least let me make sure you get to your building without passing out. You didn’t call an Uber or whatever so you’re within walking distance. And I’m sure it has security who can help you up to your room if you need it. But you don’t need to pass out on the street.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Your eyes narrow, partially due to the pain emanating behind your eyes. He’s not </span>
  <em>
    <span>wrong</span>
  </em>
  <span>. You don’t need to be passing out on the street, especially since your list of emergency contacts is basically null and void. Being the only child of two parents who were also only children meant very little family. And after… And in college, your faith in friendships shattered and you lost contact with all who you once called a friend. Closing your eyes with a labored sigh you groaned, “Fine, whatever.” You turned and started walking without another word.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You could just tell me why you left now and save me the walk,” you grumbled. Turning you saw a small smile plastered to Kylo’s face as he hummed playfully, “Nah, I don’t think so.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Frowning you scoff, “Why are you so interested in dragging this out?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His smile fades and he murmurs, “I really cared for you, Y/N, I still do…” Your heart thumps. You tell it to stuff it. “Things change. People change,” you huff, trying to ignore that it’s getting harder to read street signs.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’s true… I’m sorry about your mother,” Kylo rumbles, regret seeping from his deep timbre. You say nothing. There’s nothing you can say to not inflame the situation or incur a mental breakdown on the street. God, you were ready to be home. Kylo silently walks beside you as you get nearer to your complex. Fuck, it’s only like 65F degrees out, why do you feel like you’re almost sweating. Should not have worn jeans and a jacket while drinking those awesome drinks Pat made you.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You close your eyes for a moment, just a moment to reminisce on the taste of that heavenly drink you will want again soon. But that was all it took for you to stumble, almost falling face-first into the pavement. Your eyes were wide, staring at the grey rough surface but the pain prevented by Kylo’s arm grabbing onto yours to steady you. You regained your balance before looking at him. You meant to glare at him but you’re pretty sure you’re just blankly staring at this point.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kylo releases you before rubbing the back of his neck, “You never could hold your liquor and you always got in trouble with the sweet fruity ones you downed so easily.” You rolled your eyes before walking again. For the third time tonight, he's not wrong, but you’re not about to agree with him. At your building, you turned to him, arms up before slamming them back to your sides. “See? I’m here. You can leave now,” you rasp. You feel like you’re on fire but the spot Kylo touched you is burning much more fiercely. You await the sweet release of sleep.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You pulled out your wallet from your pocket, fishing for your card to swipe and let you in the building. You swipe it, the pad turning green and you pull the door open. You go to enter without another word but Kylo hands you a piece of paper he apparently just scribbled on. You glance down at it warily but he shrugs, “You don’t have to use it. But if something happens and you can’t make it tomorrow, text me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Swiping the paper from him you sniff, “Yea, sure, ok, bye.” You’re pretty sure you sound super drunk at this point but whatever at least you're not blackout drunk. The booze did not treat you kindly today. You head straight across from the door to the elevator, getting one pretty quickly at this time of night. Entering and turning around to hit your floor number you see Kylo is still standing there. As the elevator doors close, he waves with a smile before leaving. You place your forearm across your eyes, ‘</span>
  <em>
    <span>Idiot moron was making sure I got on the elevator ok…</span>
  </em>
  <span>’</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You don’t even care about still being in your clothes, you simply kicked off your shoes and flopped into your big plush bed. You groan at the uncomfortable feeling of your wallet and phone still in your pocket, placing everything on you on the nightstand beside you. You lay on your side, staring at Kylo’s phone number. You actually have a way to contact him. You kinda don’t want to, just out of spite alone.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Slowly reaching out your fingertips touch the paper, almost as if confirming its existence. It won’t disappear. It only took 4 years to get Kylo Ren’s number.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Even though Kylo is more of a "tough-grouch" character type, I still think he'd be into some nerdy stuff. Someone close to him (not her) got him hooked into "nerdy" stuff but more on that later haha</p><p>Also, I really love seeing perspectives from both sides because it gives us a little more insight and clarity in everyone's judgments, and also it's just fun to break up the story and give something different? I guess? lol</p><p>I've been feeling like my writing isn't the best but I'm having fun and writing from the cuff so as long as someone enjoys it then it's all good 😂😂</p><p>Love ya'll, hope everyone is safe and doing well 💖💖💖💖</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>You wake up in the extremely early hours of the morning, feeling like death. Your body still felt like it was on fire, but you ached all over to the point moving was the worst idea ever. Yet somehow you were shivering. You placed one hand on your head and the other over your chest. Both felt like hell and weren’t helping at all. ‘</span>
  <em>
    <span>Damn I wanted to call in sick not </span>
  </em>
  <span>be</span>
  <em>
    <span> sick</span>
  </em>
  <span>,’ You groaned to yourself. You twisted to the side to reach your phone, a movement that almost made you cry. Flicking it on, you tap your way to the building’s health nurse. Another perk of living in a swanky building, a 24/7 health room with a doctor always available. You could even get prescriptions there. Placing your phone next to your ear, you roughly told them what was happening.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You could tell how pathetic you sounded and you scoffed. You haven’t been this sick in years, what the hell. It wasn’t long before you heard your doorbell ring. With a whimper, you made your way out of bed to unlock the door. You unlock the door but the walk from your bedroom to the door had completely tired you out and you stumbled. Dr. Lillian rushed to you, holding you steady. She’s always been motherly, in her 50s, and she immediately frowns, “Oh, let’s get you back into bed quickly.” She helps you back and you feel much more at ease in your covers. She runs a few quick tests before her frown deepens, “Dear, you have a severe case of the flu by the looks of it. I can prescribe some antiviral medications, but do you have someone you can call?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Your eyes squeezed shut, breathing ragged. You shook your head no. She should know by now. You inwardly groan, she probably hasn’t seen you in so long and thinks you’ve met someone. Your mind was beginning to fade but you could see the worry etch into the kind woman’s features. “You don’t have </span>
  <em>
    <span>anyone</span>
  </em>
  <span>?... You’ll need someone to take care of you in such a state… Though I suppose I could have the nurse but...” she murmurs. You miss the last bit of her mumbling as your eyes flick towards your nightstand and she follows your movement. She blinks at the telephone number scribbled down and picks it up. “Is this a friend of yours that can come watch after you?” Her voice sounds muffled and far to you, the view in front of you blurry. Before it quickly disappears. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>——</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kylo groans at his phone ringing so early in the morning. He yawns reaching over thinking it might be the station or an associate calling. Seeing a number foreign to him, he jumps into a sitting position before quickly answering and placing it to his ear. “Hello, this is Ren,” He answers coolly. He waits with bated breaths in hopes to hear her voice.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ah, hello, are you a friend or family member of Miss L/N?” Kylo blinks. It sounds like an older woman. Asking for Y/N? He frowns, concern bubbling as he replies, “Yes ma’am, I’ve been her friend since we were kids and recently got back in touch with her.” Well, he wasn’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>exactly</span>
  </em>
  <span> lying. He’s not sure why she’s calling or what she wants. He decided to take the safest course.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’s a relief. My name is Dr. Lillian, I’m one of the doctors for her building. She called a couple of hours ago about being sick. She’s come down with a nasty case of the flu. I’ve prescribed her some medications and I’ve taken care of her as long as I could. She doesn’t have any close relatives I can call. If you’re busy, I can call for a nurse to take care of her but I do have other patients to attend as the only doctor currently on duty.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kylo places a hand over his eyes, ‘</span>
  <em>
    <span>What a moron, she knew she was sick last night….</span>
  </em>
  <span>’ He tried to keep his voice light, “No, no, that’s fine, I can come to watch her and make sure she takes her medicine. I took her to her building last night but she assured me she was fine…” Kylo sighs and frowns at the snickering on the other end. “That sounds like Muile for sure. She never calls or comes for help until the last possible second,” Dr. Lillian titters. He raises an eyebrow as he starts to get dressed asking, “Have you known her long? She didn’t used to be like that. She used to cry for help at the first sign of trouble.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The older woman cackles across the phone, “Dear, I couldn’t even imagine. Not too long, maybe a year or so since she moved into the building. Will you be by shortly?” Kylo quickly tugs one of his firefighting t-shirts over his head, “I’m getting ready to head out, how will I get into the building?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“The main entrance is open seven to ten, I’ll let the security guard know you’re coming and he’ll point you in the direction.” Kylo huffs in confirmation before asking, “Is there anything I need to pick up on the way to help her?” Dr. Lillian laughs, “I’ll make you a list after I get you figured out here, that should suffice.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kylo finished and headed over to Y/N’s building. Sure enough, the guard tells him the floor and room number and he’s up and away. He knocks lightly on the door before a short woman he can only presume to be Dr. Lillian stands before him. Her eyes widen at him and he desperately tries not to smirk. He was clearly not the kind of man she thought would show up. Then her eyes land on the fireman mark on his shirt. She gasps, ushering him in, “You’re a firefighter! What a risky job that is.” He shrugs, “Only sometimes.” He was used to it by now he supposed.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She quickly runs him through what he needs to know in Y/N’s kitchen. Kylo blinks, looking around her home, it’s modern and simple. But he smiles at the ‘nerdy’ stuff she has littered about. Funko-pops of her favorite characters or little figurines, her consoles, even a few high-quality artworks. He’s comforted to know she hasn’t entirely changed. Dr. Lillian hands him a list of things she recommended from the store before showing him to Y/N.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He frowned, thick eyebrows scrunching together in worry. She lay in bed, gasping for air, with her lithe fingers gripping into the sheets as her body shook. A thin layer of sweat beaded across her skin as Dr. Lillian replaced the cold compress on Y/N’s forehead. She smiled a bit sadly, “It wouldn’t have gotten so bad if she would have come to us sooner. Though it seems to have stricken her rather suddenly. I didn’t get too much out of her but it did sound as though everything heightened after a stressful day.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kylo gulps. She got more sick from stressing out?? That’s a thing? He looks off as the doctor sighs, “It’s nothing new, to those who pay attention, that she pushes herself. I pray she will feel better soon.” He wasn’t sure whether she meant from sickness or in general. The doctor stood, instructing Kylo into how he needed to care for her before she bid him farewell. After the door closed, Kylo stared down at the room key. This was… certainly not the way he had foreseen these events play out. With a sigh, he got down to business.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>——</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>With a groan, you wedge your eyes open ever so slightly. The first thing you noticed was the smell. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Fuck</span>
  </em>
  <span> it smelled good. Your eyes fluttered closed for a moment as you deeply inhaled the savory scent. Blinking your eyes open again, you delicately reached up, fingers brushing across the cold, damp towel on your forehead. You slowly sat up. You knew Dr. Lillian was nice, but you didn’t think she was </span>
  <em>
    <span>this</span>
  </em>
  <span> nice. The nurse she assigned to you probably took pity on you. Whatever the case, you’re lucky because the aroma wafting from your kitchen was </span>
  <em>
    <span>ungodly</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Pushing yourself out of bed with a wince, you manage to hobble over to your open doorway before needing to lean on the doorframe for a break. You glanced at the floor, your breath shallow, feeling rather pitiful. On top of the inexplicably sore muscles, getting around normally was like a goddamn chore. With a bit of a sigh, you look up to glance into your kitchen to see who was making such a meal for you.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Your eyes widened. No. Nope. That’s not him! It </span>
  <em>
    <span>can’t</span>
  </em>
  <span> be him!! Your face was already red but it deepened at what appeared to be Kylo Ren, standing in your kitchen, chopping up some kind of meat to add into a big boiling pot on your stove. You shook your head, maybe too hastily, no it’s just someone that </span>
  <em>
    <span>looks</span>
  </em>
  <span> like him from behind, being sick is making you delusional. Sure enough, Kylo spots you out of the corner of his eye, turning to you with a wry smile.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You’re not really sure whether to laugh or cry. But your body decides to give up and you subsequently drop to your knees. Panicked, Kylo rushes over. He hovers but doesn’t touch. “A-Are you ok?” He asks. You’d been staring at the floor, eyes wide, mind unable to comprehend it. The world was seemingly against you, throwing him at you twice within one day and now allowing him to stand within your home taking care of you. Your heart thudded. Of course it did, stupid broken thing.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Your hands were shaking but you don’t know if it was from the chills or your own emotions. Deep, deep, unfathomably deep down, you knew what you wanted. But you also knew what would come next. A repeat. History teaches, without learning it, one is doomed to repeat it. You hardened your heart again, angrily looking up at him. “</span>
  <em>
    <span>Why </span>
  </em>
  <span>are you </span>
  <em>
    <span>here</span>
  </em>
  <span>?” you hissed, though your voice was much weaker than you would have preferred.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kylo sighed, “I’ll tell you just let me help you back to your bed.” He was knelt beside you, though you still had to look up at him. His eyes were just as brown as you remember and a memory strikes about how you joked they were pools of chocolate with flecks of gold. You instantly sour at it. Knowing you’d have trouble standing back up and with little other options you scoff, “Fine.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He stands beside you, extending a hand towards you. You glare at it like it’s going to bite you. You shakily go to grasp his but stop, fingers curling into your palm before finally uncurling and settling upon his hand. Your eyes narrowed slightly. You forgot… how big his hand was compared to yours. It was a lot more calloused now and you could see small scars lining his hand and arm. Even though you had a fever, his hand was incredibly warm. With your hand resting in his, Kylo firmly but gently pulls you up. Even with only one hand, he had no problem pulling you up onto your feet.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His hand swapped from yours to under your elbow to keep you from falling. Crawling back into bed you breathed a sigh of comfort, melting back into the thick blankets. Kylo chuckled and you shot him an angry bark, “Are you going to tell me why you’re here or not?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He saddened at your enraged tone but replied calmly all the same, “Dr. Lillian saw my number and called me to come to watch over you.” You groaned, pulling a pillow over your head. Normally a </span>
  <em>
    <span>nurse</span>
  </em>
  <span> is supposed to take care of you if the person doesn’t have anyone to call. Though the fee is usually outrageous.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Peeking over the pillow you ask, “How long are you planning on… ‘watching over me?” Kylo makes an annoyed expression, clearly getting tired of your pissy attitude. “As long as I need to. I’ll still have to work and go home to sleep, but I can at least make sure you eat and be here if you need me,” He replies in a tone that demands no rebuttal. You open your mouth to deny him, fight him but the only words that tumble from your lips are, “So are you going to let whatever’s in there burn while you stand talking to me?” Realization flashes across Kylo’s features and he quickly turns, heading back to the kitchen. You smirk. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Before long however, it fades. Why didn’t you fight him? You wanted to. Wanted to tell him you’ve been just fine, haven’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>needed</span>
  </em>
  <span> him for almost 4 years. But… that’s not quite true… is it? You rub your head, feeling as though most of your current problems don’t have to do with the fact that you have the flu or whatever. You can feel that old part of yourself that you thought had died, thought you’d buried away forever, is slowly trying to revive. Looking down at your palms, your hands clench. Your nails dig into your palms and you don’t know whether to feel sad or angry at these resurfacing emotions Kylo’s brought out of you.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Shaking your head, you opt to strengthen your walls instead. You can see the cracks being made from both the inside and the out and you're determined not to let it crumble. You check your phone, grimacing at all the missed emails, calls, and messages from work. You clicked your tongue, Dr. Lillian alerted them you'd fallen ill but that didn't stop them from trying to bother you.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sitting up, you leaned into the fluffy pillow as you sighed. Your fingers tap rhythmically across your screen as you try your best to ignore the throbbing in your head progressively getting worse by staring at the screen. Just one more email, one more reply, one more answer to a question, it's just the cost of the job.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"H-Hey!!" You yelp as your phone is yanked from your hands. You blink up at Kylo who's glaring at you very, very angrily. He bares his teeth with a growl, "For fucks sake, you’re </span>
  <em>
    <span>sick</span>
  </em>
  <span>.” You crossed your arms with a huff, “Answering a few messages from work isn’t going to kill me!” Another animalistic growl rose from his throat as he shoved your phone into his back pocket. “W-Wait, you can’t do that!!” you whined, getting on your knees to reach for him. Instead, he sat down on the bed a tray of food that he’d been holding in his other hand. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Your stomach growled at the smell wafting from the bowl of soup and you immediately frowned. Sitting back down on your butt, you stared at it angrily. It looks good, you’re almost drooling. It was a hearty soup with a mix of meats and vegetables that all blended harmoniously with the spices that were added. There was even a small loaf of bread on the side. You gulped. You </span>
  <em>
    <span>really</span>
  </em>
  <span> wanted to eat it but you didn’t want his help. You’ve been just fine on your own this long, you can take care of yourself. Your eyes are torn from the food cooling before you to the man still standing beside you who now snickers at you.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What?” you bark, narrowing your eyes at him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kylo smirks, “As much as you try to hide it, you can still be an open book sometimes. Would it really be the worst thing to take my help right now?” He softened at his question, the worry for you clearly evident in his expression. You looked back down at the food, glad your face was red from the illness to hide the additional pink that would surely be there. Sometimes you really hate him and his stupid, handsome face. You jump as he softly sits beside you, careful not to mess with your food, putting a hand against your forehead.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Your mouth opens but nothing comes as he so seriously checks on you. Your heart stutters again. Kylo sighs, gently removing his hand, “You need to keep a cold compress on, I don’t think it’d be near as fun to be doused by the firetruck if you self-combust.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Taken off-guard by his pass at a joke you laugh, </span>
  <em>
    <span>genuinely</span>
  </em>
  <span> laugh, “Was that supposed to be a </span>
  <em>
    <span>joke</span>
  </em>
  <span>? That was the worst thing I’ve ever heard!” Grinning you look back to him to find him gazing at you fondly. At the realization you shake your head, regaining your icy exterior. “Don’t get any </span>
  <em>
    <span>ideas</span>
  </em>
  <span>. You still owe me an explanation and we’ll see after that,” you add, hastily.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He chuckles, unperturbed, “Of course, of course. If you start eating, I’ll answer your questions.”  Your frown deepens but you roll your eyes as Kylo situates himself comfortably beside you on the bed. You pick up the soup, opting to just drink the broth from the bowl, and then every so often use the spoon to pick up big chunks of food. Eyeing him carefully you ask, “Do you really have to sit </span>
  <em>
    <span>there</span>
  </em>
  <span>?” He’s a little too close for your liking, mostly because it’s harder to maintain your harsh exterior. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kylo’s eyebrow raises, followed by the upward turn of one side of his lips. You’re a little </span>
  <em>
    <span>too</span>
  </em>
  <span> drawn into the motion and you know he’s going to tease you for it. “Is it a problem?” He challenges, narrowing his eyes to see if you’ll fight him. You gulp down some of the soup, knowing he’s testing you. If it is a problem, and you fight him on it, he’ll know you still… that he </span>
  <em>
    <span>affects</span>
  </em>
  <span> you the way he used to. And he definitely doesn’t… you consistently tell yourself. “Not at all, it would just seem a little uncomfortable for you,” you fire back coolly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He grins, amused, “It’s not.” You snatch the loaf from the tray beside him, having to lean forward slightly to do so. “Good,” you say before ripping off a piece of bread. Something sparkles in those golden flaked irises. Mischief, intrigue? You swallow, afraid to find out, instead of asking, “Why did you leave that day?”</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I dunno about ya'll, but I've made myself so incredibly sick in the past from stress omfg it's not fun TnT she was developing a lil bug before her stress elevated but that kicked it into overdrive haha;;</p><p>Mostly a chapter of inside the logic of needing to keep distanced from Kylo, which is big sad </p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>A flashback to the day he left and his side of the story.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>You remember that day. Possibly too well. It started normal, you were jogging from your first class of the morning, an art class, to your second. The campus was relatively large but the art department was somewhat secluded from the main building that housed all the basic classes like math, English, and history. You ran out of the art building with a laugh, a grin plastered across your face. Your smile only widened when you saw him standing on the sidewalk, leaning against a railing waiting for you.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Warmth flooded your chest as he looked up with a wave and a small grin. With a laugh, you practically bowled into him, but his strong arms kept you steady. “Kylo! I hope you didn’t skip your class,” you playfully scolded, arms wrapped around his torso. He scoffed, looking off with a shrug, “I have the best score in the class…” The wind blew by and you shivered slightly. You thought your sweater and jeans would be enough but you supposed it was getting farther into winter than you realized.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You wiggled closer to Kylo, pressing your cheek to his chest with a whine, “It’s cold!! Can we go to class already?!” He laughs, a light but jovial sound that instantly puts you at ease. You </span>
  <em>
    <span>especially</span>
  </em>
  <span> love it because you’re one of the very few people that get to see the real him. He’s such a grump with everyone else. Your whine only grows as Kylo detached himself from you but you blinked as he took off his leather jacket, dropping it on your shoulders. You blushed slightly before worrying, “Won’t you get cold? Surely a t-shirt is no match for this weather…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He snickers at you, ruffling your hair, “I’m not a whiny-baby like someone else, I can handle it till we get to class. Come on.” His hand effortlessly melds with yours and you gush about your latest art project on the walk. Kylo calmly listens to it all. The two of you had been friends since you were both kids, but within the last year had become romantically involved. He really shocked you, you thought your crush on him was one-sided, that he didn’t see you as anything more than a friend or a sister-figure maybe.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Eventually, he frowns and you instantly pick up on it, “What’s wrong? Are you ok?” Both of your hands grip around one of his and he smiles slightly. He plants a kiss on your forehead, color racing up your cheeks. “It’s something I want to talk to you about at lunch, nothing major,” he murmurs easily with a smile. You nod, returning the expression but you constantly worry, thoughts spiraling out of control.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You think it’s silly that a college wants you to take more of the basics you’ve mostly gone over in high school, but there’s not much to do about it. Especially like taking multiple math or science classes when you might be an art major. You shrug to yourself, taking your seat at the two-person table beside Kylo in an advanced math class. Frowning, you were never really good at math. Pouting, you look to Kylo for help, knowing full well he will.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>At some point during the lecture, your mind faded from math into what Kylo wants to talk about. You honestly have no idea. Even though you’ve known him for so long, sometimes he can still be quite the enigma. A small thought popped into the back of your head, a blush running up your cheeks. Shaking it away you sit and stew, trying to throw out the lewd thoughts your mind kept generating. It’s not like the two of you </span>
  <em>
    <span>haven’t</span>
  </em>
  <span> before. But you always seem to get so embarrassed by the thought. Feeling a poke in your arm you look over to Kylo smirking at you, moving his pencil to point at his paper. Blinking, you look down to read a little scribbled note.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>[What are you getting so worked up about over there?]</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Your face roars another shade of red as you grab your pen to write down a reply on your own paper.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>{Nothing! &gt;3&lt; }</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You drew a little face next to it, eliciting a quiet snicker from Kylo. He pressed closer to you, reaching over to write his reply on your paper.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>[Uh-huh, that’s the face of someone thinking about things they </span>
  <span>shouldn’t</span>
  <span> in the middle of class.]</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You read as he writes, gulping to look up at him. You found his warm brown eyes, beautifully flecked in amber. He smirks again in triumph as you look away in a pout. Fine, he caught you, whatever.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The end of the class came and the two of you picked up your things and headed out. Normally the two of you would have lunch together before having to split up again due to different schedules. But he always met you back at your apartment for dinner. There were many times after that you kept wishing it had been a normal day. You still had his leather jacket on, your hand in his as you tapped on your phone to a friend.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kylo scoffs, “You don’t have to be glued to that thing, starlight.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>You frowned, annoyed, “Ok, </span>
  <em>
    <span>old man</span>
  </em>
  <span>, when you actually </span>
  <em>
    <span>get</span>
  </em>
  <span> a cellphone we can talk.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He rolls his eyes, “They’re so unnecessary and expensive…” You groaned, he could be such a penny-pincher when it came to stupid stuff like that. “I </span>
  <em>
    <span>told</span>
  </em>
  <span> you mom and I don’t have a problem if you want to join our family plan, it won’t be that much! And you don’t have to get the most expensive phone in the world,” you hissed. He frowned, looking off as he scratched his cheek. You knew why he didn’t want it. Because if he was going to get one, he’d get </span>
  <em>
    <span>the most expensive one</span>
  </em>
  <span> because he was a giant nerd who wanted all the fancy gadgets. His financial situation was quite different and Kylo </span>
  <em>
    <span>hated</span>
  </em>
  <span> handouts from you and your mother.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You sigh, “Well, whatever. I just worry about you being late or not showing up and me not having a way to contact you.” Kylo scoffs, pulling you closer, “I would never. I’m your </span>
  <em>
    <span>loyal knight</span>
  </em>
  <span>, remember?” His purr set your face aflame again and you hushed. You’re not exactly sure when it started, but you’d called him a ‘knight’ </span>
  <em>
    <span>one time</span>
  </em>
  <span> and it just stuck. He chuckled at your expression immediately easing your sour mood. It wasn’t long till you were grinning again. Out of the corner of your eye, you noticed two men and a woman, all who didn’t look much older than you. They dressed… interestingly. Somewhat matching, all wore black attire, but their jackets were what truly set them apart. The men had black and white jackets, the coloration reminiscent of the way armor would be styled. The woman had a silver jacket, one you thought was quite cool.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kylo followed your gaze before freezing. You glanced up at him, confused. The woman stood up from her position leaning against the railing to stand in front of the two of you. The wind picked up, ruffling her short blonde hair. Her gaze was determined and fiery. It made you nervous and you instinctively hid behind Kylo’s arm to peek around. “Are they, uh, </span>
  <em>
    <span>friends</span>
  </em>
  <span>?...” you can hear the skepticism in your own voice. “You could say that,” he rumbled before barking to her, “I have till this weekend, Phasma.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The woman, Phasma, cocks her head, “Not anymore. It’s now or never, Ren.” His muscles clench beneath your hands and your stomach drops. He twirls in place, placing his hands against your cheeks. “I have to go, Y/N, I have some business to take care of--”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>You shake your head, “I don’t understand! What is all this, why didn’t you tell me, why </span>
  <em>
    <span>now</span>
  </em>
  <span>?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Fear, sadness, and anger mix within you as you watch his face twist in anguish. “I’m sorry starlight, it’s not something I want to drag you into. I promise to contact you, I’ll be away for a while,” he murmurs, pulling you closer to him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“How long is </span>
  <em>
    <span>a while</span>
  </em>
  <span>?” you whimper, burying your head against his chest.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know myself, I only know the bare minimum till I’m in.” He sounds so sure, so convinced this is something he has to do. How can you tell him no? Kylo’s been relatively apathetic towards anything that didn’t involve you, now he </span>
  <em>
    <span>wants</span>
  </em>
  <span> to do something. How can you stop him? “You </span>
  <em>
    <span>promise</span>
  </em>
  <span> you’ll contact me? Get a phone?” you ask, wiping away a few tears.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He grins, “Yea, I promise.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You still have my number written down in your wallet?” you pester.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kylo laughs with a smile, “Of course I do, on the back of your photo.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Be safe…” you croak, trying to give him a smile.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He falters for a moment, before planting a soft kiss against your lips. You sigh against him, already unwilling to let him go. But he slowly lets go, musing, “I’ll see you later, starlight.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“See you later, Kylo... “ He goes to turn around but you tug at his sleeve again, stopping him, “I-I…” your voice falters for a moment as his eyes widen but you finally whisper, “I’ll have something important to tell you when we talk next…” You don’t think you’d ever seen him so happy. You both knew what you really wanted to say. But you wanted him to hear it in a moment of joy, not sorrow. He turned back to you, wrapping you in a big hug that knocked all the breath out of you. “I will too. I’ll be back before you know it,” he murmurs warmly. You give a small laugh, “I’ll be waiting…” You waved with a forced smile, trying to see him off happily. He finally disappeared with those other people, all in a car towards a destination unknown to you. You looked down at the sleeves of his jacket, hugging yourself to try and feel closer to him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>In the coming days you felt hollow, but you tried your best to push it away. You tried to ignore the loneliness and sadness he left in you. After a few months it turned bitter and sour. The things you once loved to do like acting, singing, dancing, art, all felt lifeless and it wasn’t long before you gave up entirely. Slowly you started to bite back at people, becoming colder and harsher. After about a year, your mother was in a car crash. A drunk driver, not paying attention to where they were. You’d run to the hospital, they had tried emergency surgery. But apparently it wasn’t enough. You had a few minutes to talk to her in the hospital room, her smiling and trying to comfort you the entire time as if she wasn’t the one in pain.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When she took her last breath, you went into a blind fit of rage. You’d cried endlessly within the hospital room. When you got back to your apartment, you’d torn the place asunder. A few of your mother’s friends came to check on you. They’d found you bleeding. You blinked, glancing at your knuckles before the wall which not only had cracks from your constant barrage but splatters of your blood. It took a long time for you to heal emotionally. Though you suppose you never fully recovered. Deep down, you don’t blame Kylo at least not entirely. But it’s much easier to hate and ignore than forgive.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>——</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>After eating a good portion of the food he brought you, you glowered at him, “Are you going to start or not?” Kylo sighed, looking a bit concerned but nodded. “My grandfather was a part of this big organization of people. When I found them or, more accurately, they found me, they offered me a place among them,” he started. You do recall him idolizing his grandfather, who had died before Kylo was even born. He told you stories here and there, that his grandfather was some kind of war hero or something. Now you know why he so badly wanted to go. “But </span>
  <em>
    <span>everyone</span>
  </em>
  <span> who wants to join has to go through an initiation or like a boot camp of sorts. They test you in all kinds of ways to make sure you’re suitable,” he rumbles.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Your eyes narrow. It sounds like entering the army or navy, but a private organization. Maybe it was like a bodyguard type thing. You made a note to ask him outright if he’s going to just keep skirting around it.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“They take all of your personal belongings, including my wallet. They dump all the newest recruits in one place and give us orders on what to do to advance. It was hard to gauge time then. They didn’t allow us access to anything outside of the boot camp, no internet, no TV. It wasn’t till I finally passed that I learned I’d been in it for almost a year,” he sighed, running a hand through his hair as his face contorted into pain. “I was so </span>
  <em>
    <span>mad</span>
  </em>
  <span>. I wanted to see you, I practically had to </span>
  <em>
    <span>beg</span>
  </em>
  <span> for my stuff back. When they realized they had something I so desperately craved, they held it over my head like a prize. ‘Do this and you might get it back’ before slapping an assignment on me and sending me on my way. They provide basically everything for you, there was no need for me to want my stuff other than sentimental value or in my case to contact you. Without it, I wasn’t sure how to contact you. So I obeyed. I did everything they asked of me. After another year, I got tired of it. I tried to run and find you. They don’t like people trying to leave. Let’s just leave it at that.” His hand awkwardly trailed the scar across his face and your eyes widened.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>N-No way… they did that to him because he wanted to </span>
  <em>
    <span>quit</span>
  </em>
  <span>? Maybe not even that, but just get away from them for a while? “There was a whole fiasco that day. I gave better than I got…” his voice was dark and threatening. You shivered, knowing he had always been a good fighter. “A higher-up took notice and decided he wanted to… assist me slightly. He told me that if I did as he asked he would let me go and help me find you.” Kylo laughed, but it was void of mirth as it was quickly followed by a growl. “I did everything he wanted and more, but it was the same as before. Last year I did leave them. I ran to your apartment, to your parent’s place but couldn’t find a trace of you. I didn’t know where you’d gone.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He breathed a shuddered breath with a sardonic chuckle, “I knew it was all my fault. I knew you probably hated me and had moved far away to forget it all.” You glanced away. To a point, he was right. “With so few options, I didn’t see much choice. I went back to the Order and followed their rules. They gave me a few career options, I chose this one because it seemed ok. They finally gave me my wallet, but someone stole your photo and I have no idea where it is." He hangs his head with a sigh, "I was originally at one station near our old university. I constantly hoped I’d see you. Then they transferred me to this one.” He looked up, leaning back slightly on your bed, arms holding him aloft.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Your eyes were wide as you tried to process it all. You don’t think you’d ever heard Kylo speak so much. In fact you were pretty sure if you added all the words he ever spoke before to this, it still wouldn’t compare. You sighed, closing your eyes to rub against your temples, the headache once again on a slow downward spiral. “I…” you slowly started taking a deep breath, “I do not know exactly how to tackle this information. What organization is it?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s a band of individuals and companies that all comprise an organization called the ‘First Order.’ It used to have several names, when my grandfather was there it was called the Empire,” He answers honestly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What is their objective?” you press.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kylo makes an awkward shrug, “It’s kind of a mixed bag. In some aspects, they want people from all walks of life so that they can… have different opinions, sorta. Like me, I was originally potentially scouted for security but decided on this. So if a company within the Order has a question about fire safety, like with constructing a new building, they’d have someone they trust.” You narrow your eyes slightly. You supposed it made sense. But in your line of work, it also sounds like a great way to run an underground operation. Only allowing specific people, being run through a ringer for years to identify trust, and having many different professions for any occasion. Like a cartel having a police officer on their books, it makes them a lot harder to catch if they have an inside man. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Even a lawyer, many criminals want one they can trust to cover them even if they were truly guilty. It’s why you opted to work for a large law firm that had a reputation for fighting against crime syndicates, not for. Luckily you’ve never had to deal with people like that. Anyone who came to you with a more than sketchy case, you’d turn them away. You finish the last of your food, feeling a smidge better but still shitty overall. Closing your eyes again you think carefully. Kylo’s not the kind of guy who would get into something illegal… you don’t think. Or more accurately, you wouldn’t have thought of him that way before. But now? You’re not sure. You’re really not sure what to make of this mess. </span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>As with many things the more I re-read them, I wonder if the reasons for things are really weak but then I have to try to remind myself I'm writing this for fun, not to try and make a best-selling novel TwT;;; Like I have to REALLY gloss over the fact he could probably have found her by social media. Though I would assume he never had any prior to and she probably would have stopped using them because she just stopped caring about keeping up with other people. 🤷♀️</p><p>A look at their personalities and their relationship before he did done goofed. </p><p>Would you be convinced by his story? 🤔 We'll get to see more into her thoughts on him and all that next chapter, hopefully soon!! I know my posting sucks atm, I've been pretty busy IRL *sighs*</p><p>I hope you all have stayed safe and healthy and thank you so much for taking the time to write my dorky stories. You are the absolute bestest 💖💖💙💙</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>You let out what feels like your hundredth sigh of the night, “Look, Ren--”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I-I know you have every right to be mad. I want to make it up to you however I can, whatever I need to do…” he interrupts, sitting up abruptly into your personal space. He pauses and you can see his hands flexing in his lap. “Or… if you really don’t want me around anymore… I’ll leave and not bother you again after you’re feeling better,” he mumbles, crestfallen. Your heart thuds and you inwardly groan at yourself.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He looks back to you with a pained grin. You huff, propping your head on your arm with your elbow against your knee. Against your better judgment, you decide to be honest with him. “I believe you, Kylo,” you murmur, watching him. He perks immediately at you finally using his first name again. “I am still not… entirely convinced it can go back the way it used to be. I don’t think it ever can. I said it before, my </span>
  <em>
    <span>normal</span>
  </em>
  <span> hasn’t involved you for many years now. It might be easier for you to pick up and continue where we left off, but not me,” you say, maybe more harshly than you intended.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But to his credit he grins much more genuinely with a nod, “That’s fine. I’m just happy with being able to hang out with you again.” You raise an eyebrow with a slight smirk, “Don’t get overconfident. I never said we’d plan any </span>
  <em>
    <span>playdates</span>
  </em>
  <span>.” He frowns but your smug grin just deepens. Kylo sighs, “Ok, fine, yea, you make the rules, I get it.” He grumbles something under his breath with a small growl, looking out your bedroom window.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You snicker, “Still as grumpy as ever.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not nearly as bad as you now,” he mocks, cocking a grin your way.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Your face flushes, “Ugh! I am not!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He tilts his head amused, “Uh-huh, you got a nickname at work?” Your red deepens. You’ve heard your coworkers whisper behind your back, calling you the ‘Ice Queen.’ You saddened, pulling one of your pillows back in front of you to bury your head into it. The name really escalated when you shot down a ‘nice man’s’ proposal for dinner. What they didn’t know is he’d bothered the shit out of you almost every day for a week, after already telling him no, before you finally snapped and yelled at him in front of several others.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“They call me the Ice Queen…” your voice muffled by the pillow. The weight on the bed shifted. “W-Well, you know at the station they just call you Frost which is a much cooler name,” Kylo jokes, clearly unsure of what to do. “I don’t… mean to be mean. I just want to be left alone…” you sigh truthfully. Your fingers gripped into your pillow. No. No. NO. You are </span>
  <em>
    <span>not</span>
  </em>
  <span> supposed to get all touchy-feely with him now that you’ve decided to potentially let him back in your life again.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kylo doesn’t say anything to that but instead lightly touches your shoulder, “If you feel up for it… want to play some MarioKart?” You glance up at him with narrowed eyes, “Did you snoop through my games?” He makes a panicked expression, “I would say more like </span>
  <em>
    <span>glancing</span>
  </em>
  <span> across your shelf, I didn’t touch anything…” You sigh, making him freeze slightly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Finally, with a shrug you nod, “Sure, come on. Get ready to earn that silver trophy.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He barked out a laugh, “Yeah, right!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He’d removed the food tray, leaving the scraps in your kitchen for now as you pulled your comforter around you, hobbling over to the couch. The food definitely helped, your body still aches in movement but at least you </span>
  <em>
    <span>could</span>
  </em>
  <span> move. Plopping down, you’re pretty sure you looked like a cocoon of some kind. You noticed Kylo snickering at you but elected to ignore it. The two of you worked together to get everything set up before he handed you a controller. After two races, he was still in second place and losing a bit of his temper.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You couldn’t help but pick on him. “You have no problem constantly beating my poor pokemon but you’re having trouble driving a kart?” you mocked elbowing him while the two of you drove. “It’s this bullshit split-screen,” he hisses trying to pin the blame on something other than his own skill level. You laugh, “Or the fact that I have a lot more shortcuts memorized than you do.” No sooner had you spoken than you took one to gain some distance between the two of you. “Aw, what?!” Kylo hisses before trying to follow after you only for his kart to drop off the edge. You passed the finish line, laughing the entire time. “You’re such a sore loser,” you giggle.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>After a while, the two of you flit between a few games before Kylo stands with a stretch. “Think you can handle yourself for the night?” He asks, cracking an eye open at you as his arms stretched high above him. Your cheeks redden, fuck he was tall, you sorta forgot. His arms seemed like they were going to smack against your ceiling and you tried not to stare as his shirt pulled up above his waistline. Tried being the keyword. You quickly nodded your head, “Yea, I’ll be fine.” If he had noticed, he didn’t show it.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I left extra food in the fridge and if you leave the dishes, I’ll take care of them tomorrow. Dr. Lillian gave me a temporary keycard, good for a week, I’ll come in tomorrow about ten to make you something for lunch, oh--” realization strikes as he pulls out your phone. You blink. You’d completely forgot about it. He quickly inserts his number, handing your phone back to you. You grimace at the profile, he put heart emojis next to his name. He only snickered as you erased them, musing, “Text me before nine, and I’ll pick up anything you want from the store. Does that sound good?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You look from his number back up to him with a nod, “That sounds good.” He nods with a boyish grin before picking up his jacket and heading to the door. “H-Hey, Kylo?...” you call quietly, sorta hoping he doesn’t hear you. He stops and turns with a puzzled look. Your brows furrow slightly but you finally mumble out, “Thanks for helping me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He softens, brown eyes warm, “Of course. Have a good night, starlight.” The door is closed and he’s gone before you can bark at him about calling you that. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Staring at the door, you wait a few moments, half expecting him to come back. Potentially to make some kind of joke. A small part of you wanted him to come back. You shook your head with an angry growl. You’ve already let him go, moved on, you thought you were past this. You glance at your phone in your hands. It still has a ton of missed messages. Blinking at it, you set it on the couch where Kylo previously sat before standing to stretch for a moment. You still felt crummy, but it was a helluva lot better than this morning when you called the health nurse office.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You glanced towards your bedroom in the silence of your condo. Pulling the comforter back around your shoulders with a sniff, you shuffle back into your room. You open the walk-in closet door, heading all the way to the back. You reached up to your top shelf, trying to pull one of the boxes down. You got the one at the front down, glancing inside. Mmnope, not the right box. You place it on the floor before reaching for the one that was behind it. Your fingertips were barely reaching, brushing against the weathered cardboard.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>With a groan, you accidentally drop the comforter as you reach up as high as you can. You were finally able to grab the box but stumbled backward. Squeaking, you managed not to fall forward and potentially hurt yourself, eyes wide looking at the floor. “OW!” Well except the falling box that landed squarely on your head. Rubbing the back of your head with a groan, you look at your feet with a sigh. The contents of the box had been scattered around you.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The first thing that caught your eye was the black leather jacket. You sit down in your mess, gently pulling the jacket towards you. You never knew what to do with it. Several times you wanted to throw it away, burn it, shred it, anything to make you feel better. But you could never bring yourself to. It took so much time to move past him, it enrages you how much he affected you. But throwing this away was as if you admitted it never happened. At least that’s how it felt. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It acted as a reminder.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>In the beginning, it reminded you he was going to return to you. You’d held it so tight, afraid that letting the jacket go, meant letting him go. But now it weighs on you heavily, now reminding you of what can happen again. He left without warning, taking a piece of you with him, once. There’s no guarantee it won’t happen again.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Setting the jacket down in your lap, you look at the other items that tumbled out of storage. Pictures of the two of you, or him, from the time you met as kids, almost teens, all the way till college. From fairs, to parties, to even that time you convinced him to go hiking (he hated it so much). Tears started to prick the corners of your eyes and you scolded yourself.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Your heart hurt, you knew why, but you also know it will only get worse if you don’t protect it. On instinct, you pulled the large article from your lap to your chest, curling into it. It lost his scent a few months after he left, but it never stopped you from crying into it. You hadn’t cried in almost three years. You were beginning to wonder if you were becoming apathetic to the world. You </span>
  <em>
    <span>hated</span>
  </em>
  <span> how much that goth-wannabe messes with your emotions.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>After sniffling for a bit, you wipe your damp eyes on your PJs. You look around at the mess you made before shrugging. You’ll get it tomorrow. You pick up the edges of your comforter, shaking off photos, before clicking out the closet light and flopping into bed. With a long sigh, you decide to nap for a bit before having dinner.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>——</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Y/N…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You toss in your sleep, too tired and achy to feel like moving.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Y/N, come on…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>With a groan, you finally blink your eyes open to see Kylo standing beside your bed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>You frown as he grins, “Mornin.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Flipping over with your back to him, you say nothing, wanting to go back to sleep.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Woah, wait a minute starlight,” he huffs.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Please don’t call me that,” you grumble, voice raspy from sleep.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>There’s silence from behind you before you hear a somber, “Alright… Y/N, did you eat dinner?” Your heart twinged at his dejected voice but hearing him call you that will only hurt more often. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>At his question, you roll back over to him with a blink, “Oh, I guess not.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re </span>
  <em>
    <span>sick</span>
  </em>
  <span>, you need to eat,” he hisses, anger easily beginning to simmer. You shrug, forever unaffected by most of his anger. “I wanted a nap before dinner but apparently it was much longer,” you stated. You could sorta tell your voice was a little more dull than usual but thought nothing of it.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kylo, on the other hand, tilts his head, eyes narrowing in concern. “Are you ok? Did you get worse overnight?” He rumbles, worry tinted in every word as he sits on the edge of the bed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m fine,” you reply easily.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He rolls his eyes, “Liar. You didn’t get angry at me for storming in here, you’re not chewing me out for something, and you’re clearly not happy.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How am I supposed to act, then?” You reasoned. His eyes widened, hearing no bite in your tone. You looked at him, finally sitting up in bed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He makes a confused face before stuttering, “I-I don’t know… You’re not feeling worse from being sick?” You shake your head. His brows furrow unsure of what to make of you. Finally, he just sighs, “Well, you at least need something to eat.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He stands to go back into the kitchen to make food. You mimic the previous night, wrapping the comforter around you as you go to sit on the couch. Oh right, you left your phone on the couch, it’s probably on a low battery by now. “When did you start cooking anyway?” you ask, to ease your curiosity. Kylo chuckled from the kitchen, prepping a breakfast-- er maybe brunch at this point? “From training. No one to make us food but ourselves. And I was basically on my own the whole time,” he jokes. You frown.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“On your own? I thought you trained in a group?” He nods as you watch his back. You bite the inside of your cheek to try and keep yourself from ogling the muscles you can clearly see defined through his tee. Though you make a mental note of the odd insignia, small on the back of his shirt. “Yea, a bunch of us were together. But they didn’t like me, so I kept to myself,” he mused. Kylo was being lighthearted about it and, while you hate to admit it after four years, you can still tell when he’s trying to hide things. In this case, you can tell he didn’t like being basically secluded for potentially four years.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You cast your eyes down, heart thumping. So he wasn’t so different from you after all. You still weren’t sure how to process it all, what to make of it. Kylo’s voice snaps you out of your thoughts. “I basically stocked your fridge for a week's worth of materials, I can prep some stuff so it’s easier for you to cook or heat up later.” You can smell the food he was currently working on, almost making you drool. “Mm, ok,” you say simply. You weren’t about to turn down his offer, he’s much more skilled than you now.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was quite unexpected. The two of you used to mostly eat out, though there were a few times you cooked or the two of you worked together to make a meal. But he’s almost like a freaking </span>
  <em>
    <span>chef</span>
  </em>
  <span> at this point. You glanced up at your ceiling. If he was offered multiple job “positions” and being a fireman was the one he chose, was he also offered chef? You hum to yourself as your eyelids slowly begin closing. You’re not sure how long they were closed before you jumped at the sound of your name.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kylo stood in front of you with a bemused smirk, holding two plates. You take one with a nod of thanks before slowly digging into your meal. He moves your phone from the couch to the coffee table and takes the spot beside you. You flick the TV on, going straight to the youtube app to watch one of your favorite let’s players. You wiggled backward into your couch, releasing a contented sigh. You could tell you were starting to feel better, though good content, a good meal, a warm blanket, and a comfy couch was honestly the best. You were getting halfway done when you glanced over to Kylo.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You barked out a bit of laughter, trying to contain it in the palm of your hand. He looked at you, tilting his head in confusion. “You still shovel food in so damn fast,” you giggle, mostly to yourself. Kylo instantly softened and you coughed to chase away your amusement, somewhat regretting your outburst. “You’re just a slow eater,” Kylo prodded with a smirk.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I had to put on something good to watch on first!” You huffed, pouting. His eyes sparkled and you froze, realizing you were starting to get too comfortable. Rebuilding your metaphorical walls, you continued eating until he rumbled, “You still watch this stuff.” He motioned to the TV, where you watched some drunk guys play Minecraft.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Shrugging you replied, “I’ve always liked gaming, it’s one of the few things I maintained an interest in after college.” Kylo frowned, you could see the concern welling up in him and you braced yourself for whatever he’ll do. “You still do art or performance right? You used to love to sing,” he asked, the last sentence coming out wispy as if he remembered a memory of you. Finishing your food you shook your head as you placed your empty plate on the coffee table beside his. “Not really. I just lost interest in them all. I decided to do the same thing my dad did,” you answered. Kylo’s brows scrunched together, eyes darting away. You could tell he wanted to push it and you instantly began scowling at the brewing conversation.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But he only softly utters, “Is there any way I could ever make up for what I’ve done?...” Your shoulders slump at his grief-stricken tone. Your hand starts to move but you flinch, recoiling it. In all your time with Kylo from before, he’s never been so upset… You’ve dealt with his rage, his coldness at times, and always managed to pull a smirk or laugh from him. But you’ve never ever seen him so sad. Your heart starts to wither, wanting so badly to tell him you forgive him. But you can’t. Realizing you’ve been quiet for too long you murmur your reply, “I don’t know, Kylo. It’s not a possibility I ever considered. I assumed I would never see you again.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>You watch, aching, as he flinches at your last sentence. His downturned head allowed for his shaggy black hair to fall in front of his eyes, but not stopping you from seeing his thick brows scrunched in sorrow. “Can I at least try? Try to be something, anything, with you again?” he practically begged. You hated seeing him this way. You take a deep breath, knowing you need to be honest with him. “I… suppose you can try. But that does not mean you’ll succeed. You could… </span>
  <em>
    <span>disappear </span>
  </em>
  <span>again,” you remark coldly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kylo whips up to you shaking his head, his hand instinctively goes towards yours but stops. “I won’t! I’m not just going to drop off the earth again,” he says, voice full of conviction. But your face warps into concern, “But how can you guarantee that, Kylo? You </span>
  <em>
    <span>randomly</span>
  </em>
  <span> and</span>
  <em>
    <span> inexplicably</span>
  </em>
  <span> left without any explanation, reasoning, </span>
  <em>
    <span>nothing</span>
  </em>
  <span>. You are </span>
  <em>
    <span>still</span>
  </em>
  <span> a part of this group that did that to you, correct?” He nods slowly as you continue, “Then you cannot say for sure they won’t do something similar again. I don’t… I can’t…” You stumble for a moment, trying not to expose your true feelings too much. You sigh, “There seems no need for us to try something again if history is doomed to repeat itself.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Your video ended minutes ago. You’re frowning down at your hands, concerned that seeing him will only hurt you further. Afraid you’ll do something foolish. It’s a deadly quiet that absorbs you and you’re beginning to stress and worry. “So I’ll prove you wrong.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Glancing up with wide eyes you see Kylo looking at you, his brows set in determination and eyes alight with burning confidence. You instantly scoffed, a soft smile playing on your lips. “Whatever you say,” you murmur, rolling your eyes. He stands grabbing the empty plates to head back into the kitchen to clean them.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Just some talking mostly this chapter C': <br/>Next chapter will hopefully start diving more into the thick of things hopefully maybe (I'm in the middle of writing it lol''' )</p><p>Random side note, I'm used to having fluff so much sooner so this is the slowest burn I could ever accomplish and it's  b i z a r r e  to me xD</p><p>Anywho I hope you're all doing lovely and have a great day/night &lt;3 &lt;3 &lt;3 &lt;3 &lt;3 &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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